Jay Kaeppel, Optionetics.com
December 21, 2010
‘Twas the Blight before Christmas circa 2010,
Seems the wheels keep turning around and again.
The more things they change, the more they stay the same,
“Everything will be better once we figure out who to blame.”
Yes, the more things are different, the more they remain now as then,
The unemployment rate it continues to hover near ten.
The debates they raged on, with many solutions proposed,
Whatever they were the GOP stood opposed.
Still Pelosi and Reid touted their great success,
“We’ve handed out record amounts of largesse.”
Yes Congress spent money like the sky was the limit,
Ramming through each new large bill so they could find out what’s in it.
When the poor huddled masses asked “hey, what is in ‘em?”
The ruling class responded with bile and venom.
“We do not care to hear your unenlightened remarks,
Now excuse us while we slip in a few more earmarks.”
BP had a rig, the rig it went boom,
But it was the oil biz not the wildlife that soon met its doom.
The environmentalists went crazy, “the entire Gulf they will spoil!
You will see once the cleanup crews find some actual oil.”
The administration didn’t know which problem to deal with faster,
Plugging the damn hole or the PR disaster.
The Gulf citizens cried “Good grief, here we go again,”
The recriminations were soon to begin.
BP would claim loudly “hey we’re not to blame,
It was that guy over there, but we don’t know his name.”
The Gulf will get cleaned, the seas will be pure,
Obama extracted 20 billion or so just to be sure.
The Gulf Coast rebuilt as their economy sputtered,
Then the Feds in their wisdom declared “all rigs must be shuttered.”
“But there’ll be way fewer jobs, oh this seems so dumb,”
“Oh, don’t worry unemployment checks are what makes the economy hum.”
We opened our iPad and logged onto Facebook,
Our friends are LOL so we simply must take a look.
We live here on-line but will soon be wearing a frown,
Seems we’ve pissed off Wikileaks now our server is down.
LeBron wanted more, and so off he did dash.
He headed far south for a whole lot more cash.
No simple press release stating “I’ll stay or I’ll go”.
This important news required an entire prime time TV show.
The Old Man of the North came back, “I must have one more ring.”
“Hey can we all just forget about that voice messaging thing?”
But it all collapsed around him, including the dome,
Now it’s time for Brett Favre to finally go home.
Had he pulled it off, it would have been quite a trick,
Hey look I think he just threw another bad pick.
And just when you thought sports couldn’t get any more sick,
The Eagles unleashed an attack dog named Vick!
It was not the first time that they have shed tears,
There have been countless heartaches throughout the years.
But this time the Cubs fans, oh how they cried,
On that sad awful day when Ron Santo died.
Throughout the great World Cup I often would snoozela,
After rupturing a lung blowing on my vuvuezala.
‘Twas another great year to be a media type,
With lots of meaningless stories to way overhype.
There once was a mantra on the news business side,
“We will report and you will decide.”
But these days the press subscribes to a different comport,
“First we decide and then we report.
And if we must we can reach for our last resort,
We make up our own facts and then we distort.”
It offends us that the press treats us like one great big voyeur.
Hey look, Lindsey Lohan just got another new lawyer!
And Sandra Bullock our sweetheart is singing the blues,
Turns out what she needed was a few more tattoos.
He got fed up, blew a gasket, I mean what else could he do?
I am speaking of course of the man from JetBlue.
He inspired a nation with his courage and pride,
Cursed travelers, grabbed beer, and escaped down the slide.
But they heard him exclaim as he slid out of sight,
“To heck with you all, I will catch the next flight.”
The tabloids updated us on the latest great saga,
We only hope our daughters don’t turn out to be like Lady Gaga.
And while young Justin Bieber wowed many a fan,
It’s still hard to believe he’ll grow into a man.
But we all could breathe easy at the end of the day,
Safe in the knowledge that Oprah’s not gay.
So transfixed were we watching Dancing With Stars,
We didn’t notice Obama appointing several new czars.
“We must have one for jars, and another for Mars,
And one more to ensure GM cranks out more crappy cars.
We must have one for scars and for big metal bars,
And then one Big Kahuna to watch all other czar’s.
This is how it must be, this is what I decree,
it’s just another great day in the Land of the Free.”
Meanwhile Palin’s existence set off left wing alarms,
They worried mostly about her skill with firearms.
She tried to present herself as one classy dame,
Then “Please excuse me” she said, “I must shoot more wild game.”
The Global warming warners warned “you must tighten your belt,
We must take action soon or the earth it will melt!”
“It’s too hot, it’s too cold, it’s not just right here nor there,
Never mind that we pull our data out of thin air.
The debate is still over, the facts are still clear,
The end of the planet is most certainly near.”
“Yes you must change your light bulbs and drive an electric car.”
“But at 40 miles per charge we can’t go very far!”
“Oh don’t worry about that for you don’t have a job,
We have shut down all industry, so they can no longer rob.”
“So just sit there at home unless someone’s foreclosing,
In which case wear layers of very warm clothing.”
“But whether you sit at home or simply tool ‘round town,
Whatever you do keep your thermostat down.”
“Giving up your way of life will be better you’ll see,
And will lower the planet’s temperature point oh oh one degree.”
“Your sacrifice will make a difference, on that you can bet,
Now I must fly away on my private Lear jet.”
Our troops continue to fight and to die,
Their courage and valor still brings a tear to the eye.
But the old goal of protecting the American Dream,
Has gotten way out of whack or so it would seem.
We used to fight to defeat enemies, anyone who did so was a hero.
Now we fight to make the world safe for a mosque at Ground Zero.
They argued back and forth on “Don’t Ask and Don’t Tell”,
We wondered would this policy still be grounds to expel?
“Leave it in”, “pull it out” the two sides they did shout.
An appropriate metaphor of that there’s no doubt.
Yes there are many great issues on which we must dwell,
But this one comes down to a simple nutshell.
Yes, the key question at the heart of this great debate,
“Can a Private ask a General out on a date?”
Officials of the Homeland shout “profiling’s not cool,”
Meanwhile the FBI thwarts another guy named Abdul.
Our enemies creep closer planning attacks with great stealth,
While our government remains focused on redistribution of wealth.
Terrorists were promised a trial by jury,
As Middle East favor we thought we could curry.
“They will be put to death, there is no reason to worry”.
Alas, that quaint notion was put to rest in a hurry.
For when the trial was over and when “justice was done”,
It was the terrorist 284 and the government 1.
We must get back to the trenches, though this does not involve building fences.
Maybe someday soon we will come to our senses.
All the typical crime fighting techniques they were shunned,
“What we really need is to raid just one more hedge fund!”
The kids were too engrossed in violent video games,
To notice the world around them going up in actual flames.
The Norks have the bomb and soon the Mullahs will too,
Oh my, oh my, what should our government do?
“Why let’s open the borders, do not be alarmed,
Just beware the cartels for they’re heavily armed.”
Seems there is only one place where we can safely cavort,
That’s inside a heavily guarded airport.
Yes the TSA, oh my how they groped and enraged us.
Doing things to us for which people pay money in Vegas.
Yes the TSA it performed with great zip and great zeal,
“You’d better brace yourself granny and try not to squeal”.
“Now you claim that you only want to get on your jet,
But I first must ensure you don’t pose a grave threat.”
“So please unclench yourself grandma” they said donning a mitt,
“I’m a trained professional, this won’t hurt a bit.”
Granny took it in stride as the Feds copped their feel.
“At least back in the day”, she sighed, “Grandpa would buy me a meal.”
A strong world economy and not having to bail out Greece,
Appears as likely as Middle East peace.
First the Greeks, then the Irish found obligations they couldn’t meet,
So they both took a hit off of Germany’s teat.
The euro it plunged as the Eurozone crumbled,
“Holy crap what a mess” the sophisticated diplomats mumbled.
But just when it looked like the euro was through,
The bottom fell out of the old greenback too.
Bernanke noticed an economy huffing and wheezing,
“What we really need now’ he said “is a whole lot more easing.”
He implied that we’d all wind up in fiscal heaven,
But the Fed’s printing press now runs twenty four seven.
The dollar it plunges, gold how it soars,
The investment capital it flees from our shores.
The stock market rallied, the stock market fell,
Investors felt trapped in stock market hell.
Turns out that no job is still quite a bummer,
Even in the warm afterglow of “Recovery Summer.”
Russia and China continue to grin, as American defenses continue to thin.
“We must cut the budget, besides who would be harmed, if we simply went ahead and completely disarmed?”
They came up with a deal, they called it New START,
It leaves national defense in the hands of Paul Blart.
It’s quite frightening to think about I must confess,
But the Korean peninsula soon may be one big charred mess.
Obama telepromptered on, his words no longer so pleasing,
Somehow they didn’t jibe with an economy wheezing.
He sought to assure us his efforts weren’t easing,
Not with so many rich people whose wealth needed seizing.
And with so many companies that needed more squeezing,
Nor with plenty more dictators in need of appeasing.
Yes Michelle went to Mexico, Michelle went to Spain,
When the going got tough, Barack played golf again.
But the people didn’t have time to bask in these showy, grand scenes,
They had to get back to eating their pork and beans.
Optimism had sprouted once across this great land,
Now we’re not sure how much more Hope and Change we can stand.
Then like a ghost of nightmares past rising deep in the night,
Old George W reappeared trying to prove he could write.
Still the way that he left things in such a fright,
Probably best if he keeps himself well out of sight.
The mid-terms they came with great noise and great bluster,
The Dems and Big “O” had lost much of their luster.
The Tea Party rallied with all they could muster,
And gave a shellakin', shouting “Can you hear us now Buster?”
“Yes I’ve heard from the voter’s, oh they’re so hard to teach,
If only I had given just one more big speech.”
“They all are so tone deaf, my message did not get through,
If only I had spent way more time on The View.”
And just when he thought his stock couldn’t fall any farther,
He got lectured on foreign affairs by one Jimmy Carter.
And just when things could not get any more silly,
He left the podium to good ole Slick Willy.
After the election the Dems fulfilled a great need,
Touting fresh new faces like, er, Pelosi and Reid?
The GOP said “step aside old Pelosi you witch,
And while you’re at it keep your grubby hands off our rich.”
Now the public must decide which is more sincere,
Obama the Compromiser or a John Boehner tear.
Meanwhile Obamacare morphs like The Blob,
Our health and our wealth it will continue to rob.
“We will work to extend everyone’s life don’t you know,
At least until the Death Panel finally says no.”
Republicans said they would work hard for repeal,
But their better plan they have yet to reveal.
“We will drive this monstrosity into extinction”,
Or so they said till the day after the election.
The Dems shout “this program will prove to be a real life saver.
But if you ask pretty please we might grant you a waiver.”
A man with strange hair said, “Won’t you all take a peak,
You simply will not believe all the dirt we can leak.”
Reputations were ruined, sensitive sources were outed,
Is it possible to trust anything our leaders have spouted?
Revealing state secrets is an outrage I truly abhor.
Now excuse me while I go and read a few dozen more.
The kiddies were warned there’d be big changes to make,
“You will eat way more veggies and consume far less cake.
Kids there’s no time to sit reading The Cat in the Hat,
Now get up and move for you are all way too fat.”
And parents were issued warnings of old lines erased,
In the New World Order, “you can be replaced.”
So many rules and regulations, they make us say “bah!”
Then the San Francisco City Board delivered the real coup de grace.
In a scene that can only be described as surreal,
They voted to keep us safe from the dread Happy Meal.
Yes, California continues to rush off of the cliff,
But whatever you do, do not take a deep whiff.
Some claim that their state has reached a form of nirvana.
While in fact someone simply prescribed too much medi-juana.
One more sign that in the Golden State much has gone wrong,
Even Hannah Montana has purchased a bong.
So another year comes and another year goes,
What happens to us next nobody knows.
There are many grave issues through which we must sort,
But be careful out there for our tempers are short.
Even old Santa Claus worked himself into a snit,
“No presents for you if you act like a twit.”
But I heard him exclaim ere he made his exit,
“I will extend my benefits one more year - but that’s it!”